Currently Listening The F-Ups By The F-Ups see related

            This weekend I had a long period of time to think…It wasn’t an optional time that I chose to think about everything, but it was still a long time in an empty room to think about life.  That seems like such a cliché thing to say…thinking about “life.”  I’m a teenager—how much experience could I possibly have?  As I sat in that room hour after hour, I looked back on the last few years and how I lived them.  I thought about at all the fun times I had, all the mistakes, everything I said, and everything I should have said.  One of the present trends now that I have heard from just about everyone I know is to “not regret anything.”  Whether it’s good or bad, it doesn’t matter, just move on.  I thought about that and how while the concept is a nice one, that in reality I do not know why someone would want to live that way.  If you hurt someone that you care about, that should be a source of regret.  If you do something that goes against what you believe, then that’s regrettable.  If you look at regret in a negative light then yes, it’s something that you shouldn’t do, but regret is rather quite a positive; it’s a feeling that helps people not commit the same acts they have in the past.  Some would say you could just “learn” from mistakes, but if there is no regret, then I’m not sure how that is a learning experience at all. 

[If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change]

            That took up a good few hours.  Sitting and reflecting on how much I regret.  Again, it’s not heart-wrenching instances, but small ones where I wish I would have said something differently, done something differently, or said something I hadn’t.  Then my mind went off on tangents. 

And finally my mind found itself stuck on my life at present. 
{Note to Self: I miss you terribly…This is what we call a tragedy}

            And this is where I spent most of my time.  I remembered a conversation I had earlier on Friday.  I remembered things I had written a few weeks ago.  I remembered how everything had been so different and how it all changed.  I remembered the first time, the last time, and every time in between.  I remembered the looks, the smiles, the feeling, and the aftermath.  I remembered how it built me up and how it destroyed me.  I’ve tried hatred on for size, but it never fit before…What can I do when I want you around but I can’t stand to be around you.

//I was terrified and would you mind if

I sat next to you and watched you smile...

So many kids but I only see you…//

Currently Listening The Silent Circus By Between the Buried and Me see related

[I used to work in a funeral home to feel good about myself; just the fact that I was breathing]

I think I’ve come to realize that I only update in states of extreme happiness, extreme boredom, or extreme emptiness.  It’s always at some extreme though……
                The seasons move from autumn to winter; the winds of change benignly state the obvious.  Melancholy fills in the holes perpetrated by a sharp empty feeling.  Knowing that those you count on aren’t there only fuels discontent.  Change is constant (the sun always rises) and tomorrow could be fortunate.  Lies, blasphemies, treasons against the heart stir in the air on cold November days.  A touch of snow and freezing rain create an appreciation for outward manifestations of inward realities.  Changing the world seems an impossibility on a day like this.  Change, change, change, it all comes back to this single word.  A moment frozen in time—would it still adjust to keep pace with the changes around it?  Each day we lose a little more.  Anything and everything is a shackle.  Until we can lose everything, freedom can never be attained.  Drugs and alcohol temporarily deny access to barren regions of a distressed mind.  An outlet, an escape.  Let’s indulge in escapism.  Catch me, hold me…my tambourine man is running low and I am slowly inching toward a state of pantomime.  And then she asks me, “Why so empty today?”
[Crying is right at hand in the smothering dark, closed inside someone else, when you see how everything you can ever accomplish will end up as trash]

|||Somewhere between seeing and speaking

Somewhere between our soiled and greasy currency of words

and the first star, the great moths fluttering

and the ghosts of flowers,

Lies the clear place where I, no longer I,

nevertheless remember.

And listening to the wind, remember too

That other night,

Sleepless, with death beside me in the dark.

Mine, mine, all mine, mine inescapably;

But I, no longer I,

In the clear space between my thoughts and silence

see all I had and lost, anguish and joy,

glowing like poppies

red, unpossessed and open.

I am All.|||

[I don't want my whole life crammed into a single word. A story. I want to find something else, unknowable, some place to be that's not on the map. A real adventure.

A sphinx. A mystery. A blank. Unknown. Undefined.]

Currently Listening One Fell Swoop By Spill Canvas see related

Aim, snap, fall

The bitter wind weaved it's way

through the trees so tall.

…An interesting last couple of weeks...

//Colors invading sight\\

\\I think I've found my new addiction tonight//

I think the last two weeks have ushered in a quite large change in myself.  I wonder how long that will last.  I’m glad everything’s figured out.  Yeah, a bit confused—a good confused though.  Maybe a little afraid—a good afraid though.  This one girl broke a rule of mine.  That I held for like…five years.  If that doesn’t confuse, scare, and still make everything seem alright, I can’t think of something that would. 

So this is a short entryàI don’t have many thoughts.  Just a lot of thinking;;; letting things go and hoping for the best might be one of the hardest things to do.  It’s probably not the safest or the smartest…but I still think it’s the right way to go.  Good things come naturally, and great things need time to develop.  You shouldn’t be afraid of the unknown.  It’s our last year, it’s time to get over your fears.  (My best friend let me in on that).  …yeah, she’s a lot smarter than me.

::The phone call

                left me paralyzed from the waist down

                                with the pureness of it all::

[…And in case you were wondering, you are like a sunset to me]

Currently Reading The Catcher in the Rye By J.D. Salinger see related

EDIT: I just saw a shooting star.  And I made a wish.  I wonder if it'll come true.  That would be the most amazing thing that has ever happened in my life.  The End.

I have read the Catcher in the Rye at least ten times...Probably my favorite book ever. 
    
       "We horsed around a little bit in the cab on the way over to the theater.  At first she didn't want to, because she had her lipstick on and all, but I was being seductive as hell and she didn't have any alternative.  Twice, when goddam cab stopped short in traffic, I damn near fell off the seat.  Those damn drivers never even look where they're going, I swear they don't.  Then, just to show how crazy I am, when we were coming out of this big clinch, I told her I loved her and all.  It was a lie of course, but the thing is, I meant it when I said it.  I'm crazy. I swear I am." 

What an amazing book, quite quite true to life.  I think each update I should find another quote from it.

I think the worst feeling in the world is letting someone down who you really care about.
            …Actually that’s probably the second worst feeling.
The worst feeling is knowing that you’ve let them down so many times that it doesn’t even faze them, and then knowing they just don’t even care anymore.
                        At least no one keeps count…but I’d number it in the triple digits.

I hate the place I’m in right now.  I don’t know where it is.  It’s confusing, it’s too far away from everything that is familiar, and the first feeling I get is a feeling of being trapped.
Someday you will find me caught beneath a landslide
                                    In a champagne supernova in the sky

I have been thinking too much about a lot of things.  Over-analyzing, over-thinking, over-doing everything.  I can’t help it.  And it really sucks.  And it hurts.

            So I’m sorry if I’ve been a jerk recently.  Blame it on a mid-life crisis…..which if we worked this out paper and pencil style would mean I’m going to die when I’m thirty-four hahaha LoL. 

                                    I'm making my peace, making it with distance.
                        Maybe that's a big mistake.
            You know I'm thinking of you.
I miss you.

            You'll change your mind come Monday and turn your back on me.
You'll take your steps away with hesitance.
You’ll take your steps away from me.

P.S.

She happens to be one of my favoritest favorites (probably one of the prettiest too), ever.